jesssabo

To start out ….

I grew up in a town of 400 people, met my hubby their when he moved in to town as a deputy sheriff, we have 3 beautiful kids and do PATH foster care (for those of you who don’t know it Tretment foster care for troubled children) anyway we moved about 3 wks ago to a town of 1300 people which is 5 1/2 hours from my home town, actually we are now only 4 miles from South Dakota.  Me and my kids are really missing my mom, it’s really hard adjusting ecspecially when you aren’t the happiest most fullfilled person  I to begin with.  Its not that I don’t like it here, I haven’t met many people yet and I’ve just to be truthful never been away from home (Leeds) and my mom.  (Also to give you an idea how many things are going on we are trying to buy a house and my brother is leaving for Iraq…they just went on lockdown so I won’t be seeing him again till he comes home from Iraq)  I have so many things that are going on and I’ve put dieting and exercise on the back burner, do get me wrong none of this forms an excuse, I’ve been flat out lazy!  Right now we are just kinda eating up what ever is left in the house… because as soon as we go shopping for groceries, My WHOLE family is making a change.  I’ve already started looking up low cal nutricious recipes and making a menu.  My hubby and I are buying a Bow Flex some of our tax money.  I’m really trying to involve everyone in our process.  My 5 year old loves to be “healthy”

Anyway I’ve put 4 lbs on and feel like a flabby beast.  I know my goals and intentions are good.  But latly I’ve been blah blah blah…………….

What am I doing?

Okay so it’s been really rough the last week and a half.  My husband got a new job, we just found out on Sat. and we have to be moved my Jan 2nd.  Not to much stress tryin to find a home and get everything packed and Have a Merry Christmas.  My diet has gone out the window…  I need support and motivation badly!!  Looking for a Friend

Well I guess I have to tell the story. 

As if this isn’t enough…. My mom had a baby when I was 4 (at the time I lived with my aunt who had just recently lost her 9 month old to SIDS and her and her husband were not supposed to be able to have any more kids)  My mom wasn’t raising us let alone another baby, so she decided God had given this baby to her for my aunt (if that wasn’t an excuse I don’t know what is… even though I know she couldn’t handle a child it is still hard to accept.)  My brother just turned 18… now remember everyone in my family knows he was adopted, but he didn’t.  Apparently he found out, doesn’t know who his real mom is but what the heck lets lie to him some more he’s 18 he’s just a baby…. (sorry sarcasim is sinkin in) Anyway my aunt seems to think I told him which I didn’t.  Someone should have years ago but she was “waiting for god to show her the right time”  Well I guess being a drug addicted alcohol she missed God’s sign and someone else apparently told him.  Now he told a teacher he had found out… he hasn’t talked about it to his family so he doesn’t know they know he knows.  Well my aunt is just acting like they can pretend he doesn’t know till he brings it up. What is wrong with these people???

All this does is make me want to cry sleep and eat.  What do I do………

Lord, help me I really hope I can keep this up.  I’m down 20 lbs and I’m feeling mildly good about that (it just seems like I’m never happy for myself).  Yesterday my doc. asked me if I did something different with my hair… I said nope. But I have lost 20 lbs, boy that felt good to get gratification and noticement for the change in my apperance. Even if he didn’t know what it was, he knew I looked different for sure.  (He’s only gotta be about 32, so that makes it even easier for me to take, not sure why.  But when my mom and her friends say how good I look somehow it doesn’t make me feel that way)

I know my husband says he can tell some difference but he see’s me everyday so it’s harder for him to notice.  Well I wish he would because it would help me so much if I got a little acknoledgment from him, and maybe even a compliment once in a while.  Maybe I’m being to emotional… it is that time of the month.  But geeze is a “god you look good” or “your gorgeous” something like that to hard to ask for. I’m starting to feel like he’s my worst critic even though he doesn’t verbally critisize me.  (Weird  I know)

I’m gonna be happy!!!!

Hey everyone. I’m feeling really motivated this week.  I started Dr. Smiths Fat Smash Detox program,  this is only day 3, but I’m already 3lbs down (the Wild Cats will be ecspecially glad to hear that).  I’ve be doing my work outs and feel so much better about myself than I did last week.  This website is such a great help and I want to thank everyone for the motivation, you are all great buddies.  Keep up the awesome work.  I’ll let everyone know at the end of the week more about how my new plan is going!!!

God Bless Ya’ All!!

Okay well, this past week was really ruff. Not only did I stray from my plan, but had the flu so that made it even worse.  I did have a 1 pound weight loss for the week.  But still feel like I failed.

A little bit about me:

I am definatly a depressed person, I’m a stay at home mom. (sometimes  I don’t leave my house for a day or two)  This definatly contributes to being depressed.  But in a town of 400 people there isn’t a whole lot to go out for.  I’ve really been stuggling to find myself these past few weeks, no not find my self…. thats wrong the lord says You must lose yourself, to find me… something to that extent.  Anyway I want to be happy… I’m happy with my family, my kids, my home…. but not with myself, I need to find happiness in myself, I feel like I’m taking my anger out on my family, I’m not being the wife/mom/foster mom I know I am inside.

Yesterday I saw myself in the mirror and I honestly thought “I hate that person, who is that?”  I wanted to take down every mirror in my house so I wouldn’t have to look at myself.

My Head is Going to explode if I don’t take a stand and change not only my eating/execise routines… but my way of thinking as well.   I should be happy right 17lbs in 2 months… why is it never enough???

Jess

I’ve been doing great, but this past weekend I have had such a hard time.  The food is just calling to me, I try to ignore it but sometimes it just feels like it’s a hopeless battle.  (BUT… i know it isn’t) but when you plateau a little, it tends to get you down. 

I don’t think my husband is much of a help either.  I know he loves me… but GOD please let him stop bringing junk in the house and thinking we have to eat fast food if we go to town.  (We live in a small town so we only get into “TOWN” about 1-2 times a week…. but it’s just enough to get me discouraged.)

 I wanted to let everyone know that YES I am doing this for me, I decided it was time to be a better, healtier, skinnier me but my 4 year old did have a big impact on this decision…

 one day we grilled out and side and when I went to sit by my daughter she said to my mother “look, a great big fat person,” I’m not sure where she picked this comment up from but I didn’t eat for two days.  I wasn’t angry at her but I was very angry at myself for letting it go as far as it has.  This was when I had to do something.

But about a week and a half ago my four year old again made a comment… she said mommy your “bumps” are getting smaller. (referring to love handles and belly buldge)  Maybe it wasn’t the most graceful words I’ve heard but at least I knew she was being honest (Sometimes I deny myself the gratification of my feats and its surely harder to take a compliment then a put down) but in this case I knew I would have to take the compliment… “out of the mouths of babes”

It’s a great feeling knowing my family notices and I want them to be proud of their mommy/wife, I long to be a trophy wife and a hot mama.